This is likely the last blog I'll be posting for a while pertaining to my own personal life. I've been chronicling my ups and downs with Azrael for some time now, and I believe it's time I bring this to a close. Don't get me wrong. My feelings are still there. They won't go away over night. And I can't forget him as easily as people keep saying. I believe Ray said it best; "anyone with a heart can't walk away without feeling pain". It's going to hurt to accept that I'm a nobody now.
We used to laugh about everything, and it would get awkward silent...the good kind, because we were that shy to talk to each other. We used to joke constantly, and always tell each other how we felt. He'd tell me he was going somewhere, and I would wait obsessively until he came back so we could continue our stupid conversations again. And that, I realized, was what made me happy. That's what made me fall for him. Because I wasn't hiding behind the screen like I usually did, no...I was being myself.
When he would call, we would spend hours talking about our plans. We'd talk about what we want to do, and how we'd get a dog if we ever moved in together. He used to say "when" we got married...I used to say "if", because I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last. He used to say "I love you, Kitt"...now I'm lucky if I even get a "goodnight" most days. I used to hear "it's okay" whenever I started crying...now I get an "I can't call you right now". He used to talk to me at least once a week...now it's trickled down to once a month.
I've been looking at this giant cravass blaming myself for what happened, for the pain I've caused. But it came to my attention today that, while I was hurting him, we were both doing an equal amount of shoving. Whenever something bad happened, he would shove me away...I would get upset...then an hour later, he'd come up with some clever response to make me smile again. I would laugh and pretend nothing happened.
They say that love knows no limits; and if you love someone, you can't just walk away from them. It's true. I can't just walk away, because I know it would kill me inside. When I asked him yesterday what we were, he told me "officially we're just friends...we don't really have a choice"...and he'll probably never know how long I spent crying over that. Especially knowing that the girl he was once "insanely in love with" is the one who can't even make him smile anymore.
I would wait for him to come home from work, just so I could ask how his day was. He would answer with "eh, it was work", then vanish on me. I would try and wake up at the same time as him so I could say "goodmorning sunnyshine"...and almost every time I was met with no reply. I want to just forget what we had; and yes, we did have something, even if you might think it's absurd. Online or not, they're still emotions, and they still hurt just as much.
I thought about it all day today, and I came to a grim conclusion. While I know he says he still loves me, I know it's a feigned interest. Michael is probably right; he's bored with me and moved on. I can't bear to lose him, so I told him I'd be friends with him. And I'm being greedy to assume there's anything more. I prayed for God to not take him from my life, and I won't lose him. He told me "I told you we'd be friends. No matter what.", and even though it was reassuring, it still killed me inside to hear.
There's a saying "having to smile like nothing's wrong, but inside you're falling apart"...that's the best way to explain it. I pretend that what he does isn't going to hurt me, but I spend days crying over it. He doesn't even love me enough to say he was going home for the weekend. He doesn't even love me enough to say "I'm back" after his shower. He told me at 9 this morning that he was going for a shower...as I write this, it's been nearly twelve hours, and he still hasn't said two words to me.
That's why I'm writing this. I'm writing this because inside I'm dying. It hurts. It kills me to know that I was once that girl he loved, and now I'm just "some girl". I get a hello now and then, but like Ray said, it's only when convenient. He doesn't say he loves me as often, he doesn't even say goodnight anymore. So, as I fight tears while writing this, I'm going to say my final goodbye to the best year of my life.
I'm sorry I hurt you, James, and...I still love you...even if you don't love me back.
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