Things Just Got Awkward

It's not normally my inclination to post my personal problems in such a public way; specifically not my sexual problems. But the weirdest thing happened to me before, and since I don't really have a mom I can ask about it, I'm going to do the next best thing.

First of all, let me start off by saying that I am a virgin. I have never had sex.

Second of all, I am a chronic masturbator, but not in the way most people think.

I started when I was about 17, and it kind of skyrocketed when I realized that if you keep going, something good happens. I used to stop when I got tingly.  I later discovered that I can only do it with one hand and it has to be a specific motion, as most women are. And I won't let a guy try it because none of them listen to me when I try to explain that the female anatomy cannot take a guy rubbing us like a penis. >:[ It hurts very much so, sir.

So anyway, figure on twice a week since seventeen. Usually when I do this, I do it dry because for some reason it's the only way I know how. I don't use any kind of lubrication or anything because I haven't had the gall to test any of them out. It usually takes about fifteen minutes, if I'm going slow, and five if I'm going fast. Most nights I can get between 2-3 good ones.

I have never orgasmed.

Well, today, on the second run through I noticed that there was a gushing feeling. One minute I was dry, and then I was wet. Very, very wet. My first notion was that I wet the bed, but then I realized that I have never, nor could I ever, recall a time that happened in my life (sans the time I was four and too sick to move, and I was beaten raw for it). Upon further investigation (and I'm not ashamed of this, because I was confused), I discovered that the liquid was the consistency of water. Clear and odorless.

It was then that I discovered that I was a female ejaculator.

And I don't know if I should be proud because of how rare it is, or terrified because I have never heard of a guy enjoying that...

Waiting

And I'm waiting for you to capture my imagination because I'm fooled by the illusions in my head.

I still love him. I'll never stop loving him. But there's this terrifying feeling consuming me that I can't seem to shake. Everyone keeps telling me to leave him. By "everyone", of course, I mainly mean my coworkers. There's so many words on my mind, mixing and mingling, jumbling up my emotions and making me feel like a child without a light in the dark. I know what I want. I know exactly what I want. I want to be with him. I don't care what everyone seems to think; he isn't a bad person. He's not terrible at all. In fact, he's really only ever hurt me once since we've been together, and I suspect that was because he was under someone else's influence. (Likely the same one who emailed me and gave me a load of crock about how he was cheating on me with his ex).

The problem is that this feeling won't go away. I told him a day ago that I needed time to myself. I managed to get through most of the day without really talking to him. But today, it was different. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't talk to me. We've talked...not via text, maybe...for an hour in the last week. I don't know what to think of this. I don't know if we're growing complacent, or if I'm just being anxious again. I feel like there's nothing I can do to win him back. I've had so many emotional train wrecks lately, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I fear that this may be the end of the line for this relationship. There is no further for us right now. It's all just an illusion that my mind created for me because I was simply lonely. I would never give up on love, not in my life, but perhaps it's not giving up so much as it is waiting for it to come back.