I Think I Wanna Marry You

Do you believe in Cinderella Stories?

I do, indeed, believe in Cinderella stories.  It depends on where we're going with this, though. In the original Grimm's Fairytale, they did cut her toes off to make her fit into the slipper. I guess that could be read as conforming to "fit in".  I don't know, but yes, if we're talking about the Disney version, then yes. I can think of a million reasons why I do.  When you grow up like I did, a fairytale doesn't happen often. But the dreaming is what makes it worthwhile. =)

My Last Breath

This is likely the last blog I'll be posting for a while pertaining to my own personal life. I've been chronicling my ups and downs with Azrael for some time now, and I believe it's time I bring this to a close.  Don't get me wrong. My feelings are still there. They won't go away over night. And I can't forget him as easily as people keep saying.  I believe Ray said it best; "anyone with a heart can't walk away without feeling pain".  It's going to hurt to accept that I'm a nobody now.

We used to laugh about everything, and it would get awkward silent...the good kind, because we were that shy to talk to each other.  We used to joke constantly, and always tell each other how we felt. He'd tell me he was going somewhere, and I would wait obsessively until he came back so we could continue our stupid conversations again.  And that, I realized, was what made me happy. That's what made me fall for him.  Because I wasn't hiding behind the screen like I usually did, no...I was being myself.

When he would call, we would spend hours talking about our plans.  We'd talk about what we want to do, and how we'd get a dog if we ever moved in together.  He used to say "when" we got married...I used to say "if", because I knew in my heart that it wouldn't last.  He used to say "I love you, Kitt"...now I'm lucky if I even get a "goodnight" most days. I used to hear "it's okay" whenever I started crying...now I get an "I can't call you right now". He used to talk to me at least once a week...now it's trickled down to once a month.

I've been looking at this giant cravass blaming myself for what happened, for the pain I've caused.  But it came to my attention today that, while I was hurting him, we were both doing an equal amount of shoving.  Whenever something bad happened, he would shove me away...I would get upset...then an hour later, he'd come up with some clever response to make me smile again.  I would laugh and pretend nothing happened.

They say that love knows no limits; and if you love someone, you can't just walk away from them. It's true. I can't just walk away, because I know it would kill me inside.  When I asked him yesterday what we were, he told me "officially we're just friends...we don't really have a choice"...and he'll probably never know how long I spent crying over that.  Especially knowing that the girl he was once "insanely in love with" is the one who can't even make him smile anymore.

I would wait for him to come home from work, just so I could ask how his day was.  He would answer with "eh, it was work", then vanish on me.  I would try and wake up at the same time as him so I could say "goodmorning sunnyshine"...and almost every time I was met with no reply.  I want to just forget what we had; and yes, we did have something, even if you might think it's absurd.  Online or not, they're still emotions, and they still hurt just as much.

I thought about it all day today, and I came to a grim conclusion.  While I know he says he still loves me, I know it's a feigned interest. Michael is probably right; he's bored with me and moved on.  I can't bear to lose him, so I told him I'd be friends with him. And I'm being greedy to assume there's anything more.  I prayed for God to not take him from my life, and I won't lose him.  He told me "I told you we'd be friends. No matter what.", and even though it was reassuring, it still killed me inside to hear.

There's a saying "having to smile like nothing's wrong, but inside you're falling apart"...that's the best way to explain it.  I pretend that what he does isn't going to hurt me, but I spend days crying over it.  He doesn't even love me enough to say he was going home for the weekend. He doesn't even love me enough to say "I'm back" after his shower.  He told me at 9 this morning that he was going for a shower...as I write this, it's been nearly twelve hours, and he still hasn't said two words to me.

That's why I'm writing this.  I'm writing this because inside I'm dying.  It hurts. It kills me to know that I was once that girl he loved, and now I'm just "some girl".  I get a hello now and then, but like Ray said, it's only when convenient.  He doesn't say he loves me as often, he doesn't even say goodnight anymore.  So, as I fight tears while writing this, I'm going to say my final goodbye to the best year of my life.

I'm sorry I hurt you, James, and...I still love you...even if you don't love me back.

Belief in the Impossible

Someone asked me once why my faith is as strong as it is; even if I don't always seem to show it...well, I feel like I should try and oblige that person with an answer.

Have you ever seen the random acts of kindness from a complete stranger?  You don't really know what true love is until you see some people in this world.  Just when you believe that the world is a horrible place, someone comes along to change your mind.

Back in January, our cat got sick the same day Scott was coming in from Iraq.  Scott told us to take him to the vet, he'd find a way to get home.  We took Jake to the vet.  They had to preform emergency surgery on him. It would cost 800 dollars.  We didn't have that kind of money.  When a woman saw my mom crying outside, she asked her what was wrong; my mom explained it to her.  The woman asked our cat's name, then went in and paid half the bill.  This woman had been previously dubbed as horrific because she'd nearly hit me the last time we were there. After Jake got his surgery; he held on just long enough to see Scott one last time.

Another instance is a simple story of a girl who wanted to do something special for a special person. I wanted to get Scott something for Christmas, a cross necklace since he'd just gotten baptized and was going to Iraq.  I stood at the counter for almost two hours and looked at that one necklace.  Well, a man came up beside me and asked me what I was looking at. I said I wanted to get a necklace for my stepdad whom was going to Iraq.  The man told me that he had just gotten back from there. Well, I was staring at the necklace, and the card I held only had 20, but the necklace itself was 25.  I asked the woman at the counter if there was any way to make it less. She said not without removing the chain.  The man handed me five dollars and said "merry Christmas", then left.

There are several instances in my life that are too coincidental to be an accident.  I was explaining that to my childrens pastor last night. My life is way too coincidental.

For instance, on Wednesday, I brought my new friend to the farmer's market with me. On the way there I found out that he was a weapons enthusiast.  I asked him to help me pick out something for my brother for Christmas. We found the perfect sword, but I didn't have enough for it.  Well, Diane offered me five towards it, then my friend said "Well, I have exactly five"...and together we had just enough.  The fact that he only knew me for two hours from Sunday was just astounding. (Btw, I will pay you back ^_~)

My dad raised me to believe that when someone needs something, don't hesitate to give, because it will always be replaced. That's true in more ways than one.  I'm sure dad knows of all people how much it takes to donate sometimes.  I always make sure to get change before I leave for Wednesday, just so I can give change to the kids who don't have offering. I give my bible to a child whom needs it because I have three. I talk to people whom need it. I give money when I have it. I donate books to the library. I talk about myself constantly. ^_~

What I'm trying to say is that when I was growing up, we had to pick and choose our fights. We had to choose what was kept and what was lost.  I was stingy growing up because I liked to keep all my toys. When I turned thirteen, I took every single Barbie item I owned and put it in a box...all 800 dollars worth...and donated it to Salvation Army...and some little girl out there got all of it for five dollars.  I miss my childhood, and I feel I grew up too fast...that's why I love being childish. ^^...but the whole thing I'm getting at is that I know why I do it.

Do you ever get that thrill when you donate? Did you ever get that faster pulse when you give someone a dollar they need? When you give a toy to someone less fortunate? When you find a way to make someone smile, even when no one could? When you reach that one person no one could? Don't you ever get that insane warmth when you do that? I'm addicted to that feeling. That's why I chose children's ministry. It's so easy to effect their lives. =)

I almost broke down crying on Wednesday because we did something where we (the leaders) had to write one thing we liked about each kid. I made one boy smile from ear to ear when I wrote "when you don't tackle me".  But of all of them, there's one I remember the most, and I still have it written down.  One girl in particular wrote "you made me feel better when I was at camp", because she was one of the girls whom wasn't fighting when all the other older girls were.  And those little moments are what reassure my faith and that I made the right choice.

A New Day - Scouting for Girls

A New Day (Pt: 2)

<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kIjDFKbi3UQ?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kIjDFKbi3UQ?fs=1&amp;hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object>

It's A New Day - Scouting for Girls

It's a new world, it's a new way
Make a fresh start, it's a new day, it's a new day
Take your own path, make your own way
Turn a blank page, it's a new day, it's a new day

I would wait, I would wait all my life for you
I'll be there, I'll be there, I'll get ya through
Don't look back, don't look back, don't be afraid
Carry on, carry on, it's a new day, it's a new day
It's a new day, it's a new day

It's a new life, it's a fresh start
You're a good soul, you've a kind heart
It's your moment, it's a picture
We can do this, I'm coming with ya, I'm coming with ya
I'm coming with ya, I'm coming with ya
It's a new day, it's a new day
It's a new day, it's a new day

I would wait, I would wait all my life for you
I'll be there, I'll be there, I'll get ya through
Don't look back, don't look back, don't be afraid
Carry on, carry on, it's a new day, it's a new day
It's a new day

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh (x8)

It's a feeling, it's a blue sky
It's the ocean, it's the sunshine
At the seaside, on the mountain
At the park bench, on the fountains
At the night club, on the playground
It's a new world, it's a new sound
It's your moment, it's a picture
We can make this, I'm coming with you

Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh (multiple times)

It's a new world, it's a new way
Make a fresh start, it's a new day

It's A New Day

What are five things that today has taught you that you can improve on tomorrow?

My lack of smiles. Incidentally I noticed today that I don't smile nearly as much as I should. I don't even really laugh like I should. I always wondered why people smile all the time, and now I know. It makes everything so much brighter and exhuberant. When someone smiles to you it just makes your whole day. It's hard to deny that kind of power. I don't smile as much as I should. I'm too serious about life.

My sense of humor. Apparently I'm very offensive to people. I'm very standoffish, and I don't know how to fix that, but I'll work on it. ^_~ I recently noticed something on my friend's facebook that said something about her Criminal Justice class; well, someone else had commented on it and said "r u married yet", and I asked "What does that have to do with Criminal Justice?" I wasn't being sarcastic, I just wanted to know. Well, after he screamed at me to stay out of it; and me biting my tongue, wanting to say "Well, send it in emails next time if you don't want people getting involved...", I decided I need to stop saying things to people. Period.

My constant rambling. I talk too much. End of story. XD

Living in the moment. I don't live life as if it's the last day of my life. Songs like "Live Like We're Dying" by The Script (BTW the original is SO much better than Kris Allen's) and "A New Day" by Scouting for Girls just make me want to go out and be amazing. They make me smile and realize that nothing is impossible if you believe hard enough. And I don't try. I don't apply myself as much as I should. I don't have nearly as much drive as I used to. I also learned that apparently Irish people have AMAZING lives, because both of those bands mentioned above are from Ireland. ^_~

Never assume!!! This one is pretty simple to figure out. I assume way too much about people. I jump to amazingly insane conclusions. When someone doesn't talk to me, instead of thinking "maybe they're busy", I assume "OMG They're ignoring me!" When someone doesn't answer me, I assume they hate me. When someone smirks at me, I assume they're hiding something. I don't know why. I always assume the worst. Of everyone. No matter what the situation is.

What Are You Waiting For?

What is your biggest pet peeve?

 Okay, this is a rant all on its own, I can go on about this for hours.  In fact, I did go on about it for a good half hour today at work.  I cannot stand people who use "u" in place of "you", or any other variation of such things. Secretaries I can understand; even a stenographer, but stenographers have a whole different language. Normal people, students, SERIOUSLY? You're saving a whole .29083094 seconds by writing it that way. Are you really wasting your life away by saying "you"? I mean, if you pay for texts, sure, I can understand it...but there really isn't any excuse for it. And don't dare tell me that you don't notice it. How can that not irritate you?!

Most people sit and ask me why it bothers me so much, it's not me doing it. Well, when you have to grade 320 essays, all of which contain "u no wat? I want 2 go 2 ur house l8r"...SERIOUSLY? When I was a Teacher's Assistant that was all I saw. And yet you sit here and complain that you have a GPA of 1.1, now you know why.  I'm not going to give you a passing grade if you can't spell. You're in HIGH SCHOOL, chatspeak became uncool in fourth grade. How can you honestly expect to get a job spelling like that? Do you spell like that on job applications? Really?

Of everything in the world...in the world that annoys me the most.

Shakespeare

Just a list of questions I want to ask YOU, my readers. =)  I have a small problem. I'm caught between three people, and I want to know, from those three, (and maybe others), if you can answer these questions for me. =D

1. What's your favorite color?
2. Football; how do you see it?
3. Can you sing?
4. Have you had military experience? What branch?
5. How many pets do you have?
6. Are you a felon? =O
7. How old are you?
8. Do you do drugs?
9. Are you a sexual deviant? If so, are you protected?
10. Do you like kids?
11. What's your view on religion?
12. Do you like Shakespeare?
13. Can you handle someone more childish than a three year old?
14. Can you decode sarcasm via text?
15. Do you like reading?
16. Where's your escape?
17. Would you stop to save a turtle crossing the road?
18. Do you like cuddling? Stargazing?
19. Do you like anime? What ones?
20. Can you handle tomboys?
21. Do you prefer a girl in makeup?
22. Could you, if asked, tell me what it is that makes me so appealing to you?
23. Can you stand girly music?
24. Do you like country music?
25. Do you like rain?
26. Do you mind a writer using minor aspects of your personality in a story?
27. Do you mind someone who cries a lot?
28. Can you handle emotions?
29. Can you fight my demons with me?
30. Convince me why you're "the one". =D

Like Woah

How does your faith in God positively influence your life? - Steph Stoffa

I'm aware that I'm going out of order with these, but I have to answer this one. When she asked it, I immediately thought of my answer, as opposed to sitting on it for weeks on end. Yes, I finally got caught up, you have no idea how giddy I am because of that. ^_~

My faith influences my life in a number of ways. It's hard to believe in someone you can't see, to know that they're the only person that can actually change your life other than yourself. I have a lot of different views on this, but there are times when you sit there, in the dark, hating yourself.  There are going to be days in life where you can't stand whom you've become. There will be moments where you sit there and stare at nothing, wishing you could change the outcome because you messed it up so bad. These are the moments where you wonder if there's really anything that can be done...and you wonder if you can fix it.

An example I can think of, off hand, is my mom and Scott. Though being with Scott ultimately ruined her marriage to my dad, she's happier now. I believe that was meant to be that way.  She waited twenty-six years to see him again.  You don't see that in life very often; especially him still loving her the way he did.  And you're wondering; what does religion have to do with this? Well, think about it. If God didn't exist, would that have happened any other way?

I also love finding hope in simple things. I'm so easily amused, and sometimes that's good, other times that's bad. One of my favorite seasons is autumn. I love to see the colors change, the beauty in grace. But where did it all come from? I agree with my dad's approach on this; you can't honestly look at the trees, rocks, birds, fish, frogs, water, air, clouds, and sky, and say they all came from one organism. You can't honestly look at the inner workings of people and believe there wasn't a design to it. Every single minuscule part of your body has a purpose; so how can you believe that it wasn't designed with a reason in mind? And if you believe otherwise, though I believe you have your rights to do so, I firmly think you're lying to yourself.

Another example I can think of is a bit ironic to me. I made a lot of mistakes recently. I hurt a lot of people. One of them was going to walk away from me and never look back.  We had a sermon that Sunday about how we all want one thing but no one will work for it.  I prayed that night, and I asked for one thing. I said; please don't take him away from me.  Because of all my friends, he's the one I'd be devastated to lose the most. I decided to give him two days to talk to me again (and if he didn't, I assumed he hated me and never would); since that's the time frame my dad mentioned. He said "Don't worry, two days from now, he'll be talking to you like he always does".  He sent me a message at 11:11...just before the second day. This particular person also has very strange timing. At one point I told him that if he still cared, he had to stop me from leaving...and he did. A day after I left. But I know he still cares.

My faith is believing in a higher power, that I'm not in control of my own life. Everything is already done for me, and I second guess everything I do. I constantly wonder, pray, and plead that I'm dong the right thing.  I have faith to believe that my God can save people, and that he can change an outcome, no matter how grim it looks. For instance, Mrs. Maryann had Cancer. I met her during that time, talked to her a few times. I don't know how bad it was, I never asked her, but within the time I knew her, she was healed of it completely. You can't sit here and say there wasn't a purpose for that.

Or even more amazing than that...my dad always has business ideas, but none of them have ever been put into play before. One day he got this amazing idea to help the church out.  Well, I had talked to someone in the church and found out that they really needed the money.  So, dad's going to be putting the plan into play a lot sooner than expected. You can't say that faith doesn't exist.

James told me that his life is the way it is because he's blessed. And while I believe that's true, I also believe it's because he tries and succeeded. Everything comes harder for me because of my paranoia, lack of social skills, and fear of making mistakes. I second guess everything I do. If I could have faith like he does, maybe life wouldn't be so difficult. Maybe things would come easier to me. But you know what? That's how my faith makes a positive influence on my life. Little things like this are what change my mind about everything.

There Will Be Tears

If you could meet anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? - Mike J.

If I could meet someone, I'd answer with James. I want to meet him in the worst way possible. He's been there through so much, and I think I owe it to him to thank him in person.  He's my closest and best friend, and in my heart, he's got the biggest piece. Of all my online friends, he's the only one I ever actually cared what happened to.  =) James, you're amazing, don't ever believe otherwise.

Dead, I would want to meet my grandfather again. He died when I was six, and I miss him dearly. I want to say sorry for what I did when I was younger, and I want to see if he was ever proud of me. Dad said he is, and he always would be because we were his grandkids, but I'm not so sure about that.  I wish I knew, or had confirmation that he cared, and missed us as much as we miss him, but life doesn't work like that. I know I already met him, but I want to see him again. Technically it's a new meeting, since it's been fourteen years.

March of the Dead

Why children's ministry? - Jim

Well, uncle Jim, I chose to get involved in Children's ministry because it's where I belong. I spent twelve years trying to find my niche at church, and I finally found where I would fit in.  When our children's pastor aproached me about working with the kids at camp, I was horrified and scared, I didn't think I could do it.  Around the same time, I got a job offer. I prayed about it and asked; give me a sign; show me what I need to do. I called on Wednesday about the job offer, as I had been asked, and they gave the job elsewhere. That's when I knew I made the right choice to push my paperwork through.

I'm a child at heart. I laugh with the kids, act like a kid, it's hard to explain. I love to be a kid with the kids, if you will.  It's fun. I had wanted to be a pastor (rather, Chaplain) since I was eleven or so, but I felt myself being pulled closer to Children.  For some reason, I got shoved towards Children's ministry, and that's where I've stayed. I have more friends that are 15 years my junior than I do having adults my age.

Control

How does it feel to want? - Dad

It feels bloody fantastic to want.  Whenever I say I want something, my dad hits me with the how does it feel to want? question.  Well, it feels amazing. You know why? When you want something so bad that you work for it, it makes it all that much more amazing when you get it.  I heard a kid in the store the other day say he wanted a toy, and his mom said; why? It will just end up on your floor and you'll never touch it again. It's true. That's how people are on general principal; and it's the same with faith, I'm afraid to say. You want to be a better Christian, but you don't try hard enough to get it, so it makes it boring very quick. So, if you ask me, the wanting is what makes it so much more amazing.

Wednesday, we were talking about how it feels when you get everything you want.  Well, the story was about someone named Tripp Bailey and his best friend.  It's about how Tripp is famous, but his friend is just...there. The particular lesson was how Tripp got 50 pairs of shoes in different colors, and how his friend was jealous, wondering how Tripp could take it with a "devil may care" attitude. Well, later, his friend finds out that Tripp donated everything, because he had everything he wanted, why clutter life with more?

So yeah. It feels really good to want. ^_~

Alone

What's your position on birds? - Steph S.

My position on birds, she says...well, I don't like them, personally. Birds annoy me with their constant chirping and whatnot. They're much too flighty, and always moving. Plus they act all high-and-mighty with their ability to fly. I see you up there, messing with my head. Well don't worry, I'll be able to fly one day. Birds annoy me. They just have a pompus attitude about everything. They think that just because they get up early, everyone has to get up early. Let me tell you something, birds. Making me get up early just makes it more compelling to shoot you.  You can have your worm. I don't want it.  So yeah. I can't stand birds.

Unrelated topic; Did you ever notice how many pigeons there are to people ratio in France?

If You Only Knew...

There are very few people in this world that constantly cross my mind. I worry, I wring, I cry, I feel sorry, I upset them, I talk, I wait, I listen, I speak, I listen some more. These people are always on my mind, for one reason or another.  One person is very heavy on my mind, and he really shouldn't be, especially when I know how dangerous that can be. Thinking about someone on a constant basis isn't healthy, but moreover I wonder; does he think of me as often as I think of him? I know the answer to that is no...and I know that will likely never change.

I tell people he's my boyfriend, but is he really? I doubt he feels the same, if he did, he wouldn't have broken up with me.  I tell people I love him, but do I? I know I do.  People ask me how I can love someone so much, especially never having met them...I've never met Jesus face to face, and I love him. What makes this different? Familial love and companionship are different things, I'm told, but people turn to God when they're lonely, too.  I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could say, with great certainty, that I knew what was going to happen.

Of all the people in the world, I just wish he could understand. Mom told me she hates when he puts me in tears, especially when it's over something stupid. What she doesn't understand is that most of the time it's me worrying over nothing. I don't always cry because he made me upset, sometimes it's just because I worry myself that much over nothing. Like when he doesn't answer me back for three days. And those are the moments I need to learn that he has a job. He has a life. I'm not his world...and he shouldn't be mine.

People often say not to be second best. I refuse to be second best. To anyone. I will, if possible, strive to be better than my former adversary so I'm not second best. I'd like to believe I'm not a terrible person. I just wish people could see through my eyes. I'm not the typical girl. I have so many conflicting emotions at any given time that I rarely say what I mean to say. As I've told James; my head and my mouth are on their own schedule, I don't ever say what I'm thinking. Meaning, my head tells me to shut up, and I speak anyway. And that leads to problems. Constantly.

I'm naive. I'm strange. Weird. Eccentric. Nervous. Scared. Hurting. Crazy. Creative. Upside-Down. Fearful. Faithful. Childish. Obnoxious. Klutzy. Afraid. Down. Depressing. Needy. Lonely. Full of song. Lyrical. Poetic. Insightful. Falling on my own feet. Stumbling on my own words. I'm a typical girl...but I don't see myself that way. I feel like my problems are amplified, and I don't know where to start to fix them.  And, of all the five people who constantly cross my mind...I want him to understand this the most.

Could it Be?

What do you do to pass the time? - Red

I write. Constantly. I never stop writing. I write essays, stories, poems, texts, songs, random searches...I write all the time.  I've got four ongoing stories, along with this blog, and another blog, plus my facebook, and emails I have to answer...I'm a very busy girl. Rather, I wish I was busy. I'm never busy with actual paying work. I'm hoping to get an internship at the newspaper, which would be like...beyond awesome.

I'm also a photographer. Amateur, of course. I take pictures of everything, but mostly still life and "macro" (macro are shots of tiny things or insanely up close, like the threads of a cloth)...I'm a strange little girl that way. I love florals. In fact, my portfolio is 90% floral. If interested, you can check it out here; http://www.kyttikatt.deviantart.com

Our December

If you were to go somewhere for fun, what would you want to do? - Red

I'm not sure that I fully understand the question, but I'll give it a shot. If I had to go somewhere for fun? Umm...I'd say I'd like to go to the park. That sounds strange and insane and weird, but I love swings. I don't like having to be an adult, so it gives me time to be a kid again. It sounds really creeperlike, so I'll admit that I usually go around midnight. My logic is that if you go during the  day (without a kid), you're labeled a pedophile. If you go during the night, you're just going for fun.

I love to be childish, and my best memories are made when I'm not trying to. So, there's pretty much nowhere I wouldn't go. Strip clubs are out of the question. No exceptions. =D

Settle for a Slowdown

Favorite seasonal sport? - Rob

Baseball and Tennis.  I'm not a football girl, but I'll go to the high school games (when my ex isn't trying to get me arrested). I do follow football, the Broncos and Patriots, simply for my brothers.  Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch; I don't follow it obsessively, but if I see it on, I watch it. I'm a fan of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim...I love the name.  Tennis is just something I love to play. I'm pro at racket sports.

If I had to honestly choose anything, I'd say NASCAR...but that's just me. =D Jeff Gordon FTW!

Fearless

Favorite boy/girl names and why?

Before anyone freaks out about this, let me clarify that one; I am twenty years old, generally I would be thinking about this. Two; I write in my free time, so obviously I need to think about this a lot for stories.

For boy's I'd say Jackson (Jake), Lazarus, Issac, Maxwell, and Lucas.  I love the name Jackson because you can say "Jake", and it means "Son of Jack", and "Jack" means "John", so either way you look at it, we're getting Biblical. ^_~  Lazarus has been my favorite since I read a book called There's Joy in the Morning, which was a Reader's Digest book from the 60's. He was one of the nurses that saved the main female protagonist in the story. Lazarus, also, biblical speaking, was one of Jesus' best friends. Issac is one of the characters in Maximum Ride, though they refer to him as Izzy, which is what I always called Issac in my stories. Issac was the first child introduced into the collaborative story with my ex, and it's always been one of my favorites. And again, it's biblical.  Lucas...I can't explain the reason behind that one. I just love the name Luke.

Falling into the category of girls; Lillian, Ruth, Kyrie, Landon, Brianna. Lillian, unfortunately, is the name of my cousin(?) that ran away with her son. We haven't seen nor heard from her in years.  I absolutely love the name Lilly. Ruth is my favorite book of the Bible. As a hopeless romantic, it's only logical I'd love that book. Besides, she was the grandmother of David, how can you not like that? Kyrie is latin for "Lord".  Kyrie Elasien is a song by Mr. Mister where he says "Kyrie Elasien down the road that I must travel...in the darkness of the night...where I'm going will you follow?...on a highway in the night", where basically he's saying "Lord have mercy"...I decided if i ever had a little girl, I'd name her Kyrie Faith...which translates to Lord's Faith.  Landon came to me in a dream; she was a little girl with bright red hair that I saved from a fire. I don't know if she's just a girl, a girl in church, or my own child, but I loved the name.  Besides, Landon Ruth sounds really cool.  Brianna is from a book called Outlander by Diana Gabaldone. She's the daughter of Claire and Jamie.  She married Rodger, and I fell in love with Bree and Rodger instantly.

Unpredictable

Five favorite books and why? - Azrael

Sons of Fortune - Jeffery Archer; I love this book because it's about two twins that get separated at birth. It follows the both of them through their lives and how different they are. One of them becomes an accountant, the other joins the war effort. They both live similar lives, but neither of which intend on doing the same things.  Both decide to run for senator. One chose because his father-in-law asked him to. The other because he wanted to. One went to law school, the other didn't. It's really a good story, especially if you love politics. =)

Taming of the Shrew - Shakespeare; This isn't technically a book, but I'm throwing it in here anyway. I love Shakespeare on general principal, but this one is my favorite for obvious reasons. If you haven't read it (and I know 90% of the people at PV haven't because they spend every year on R&J)...it's about sisters Catarina and Bianca. Bianca falls in love with Marcutio, but her dad has a rule that she can't get married until Catarina gets married.  Bianca comes up with the idea to set her up with the most horrid man in all of (whatever town, Verona?).  It turns out that Catarina actually winds up falling in love with Patrucio, because she loves his tenacity and ability to know what she's doing.  Though she marries him against his will, she winds up falling in love with him at the end. Think Ten Things I Hate About You. I love the book because it's about falling in love with the one person you'd never suspect.

I don't know if this counts, seeing as it's a series, but I don't care lol.  Hardy Boys - Franklin W. Dixon.  I wasn't a typical girl growing up. Although I loved playing with Barbies, I was also hardcore into being a Tomboy. I loved reading my dad's old Hardy Boys books and comic books. I love, love, love classic Spider Man and Fantastic Four. ^_~ I spend a lot of time going back through my old books. Anything in my library is something I'm in love with. I always preferred Hardy Boys over Nancy Drew, but when they crossed them over, I was all over it.

Timeline - Michael Crichton; This book is one of my favorites because of the story. I'm in love with time travel romance books. And if you've ever read the books, do not watch the movie. The movie pretty much kills the book. It skips every single important detail I can think of.  Anyway, this book is one of my favorites because I love the time travel aspect of it. The ending made me cry, especially in the beginning when they point out that the grave they were studying was a man who was missing an ear; the one who loved "Lady Claire". It turned out in the end that Andre was that guy.  So it brings up the whole question that if you knew your fate, would trying to change it change your fate or make it happen?

The Zombie Survival Guide - Max Brooks; I will not deny my obsession with zombies. I do have a contingency plan, and it is very thorough. If anything should happen, however, I don't believe it would be like the movies. I believe a zombie outbreak would be man made; I mean, we've got biological warfare you wouldn't believe, why not create something? I don't think it would be rising from the dead; that's just absurd. I love movies about them, even though the thought terrifies me. It helps me like crazy to make fun of them. ^_~

Open Wounds

Favorite Disney movie and why?

My favorite Disney movie to date is Atlantis.  Of all the millions I've seen that touched my heart, the only one I ever actually loved was Atlantis. I love Michael J. Fox, he's one of my favorite actors from in the day, he always made me laugh.  I also love the whole idea behind the story; the fact that there's a whole civilization out there and we simply can't reach them. I love the whole basis of love. I'm a hopeless romantic, so Milo and Kida are so cute together, especially with their awkward romance. Milo being awkward and shy, and Kida being outwardly and formal. The fact that they're from two different worlds just makes it one of my favorites because I like to believe that out there is somewhere everyone can run away to in order to feel safe. Mine? The library. =)

My other favorite, since I only have two that stick with me, Beauty and the Beast.  I'm in love with that movie simply because it shows that you don't have to be beautiful to fall in love. It's about an ordinary girl who falls in love with a prince whom she isn't aware is a prince.  It's about how she lets go of her insecurities to love him. How she gives him another chance to be human, even if he wasn't. She never treated him as anything but human, and that's what I love about it.

The City is Ours.

Out of all of the seasons, which one would you want to be all year long? - Red

I think I wrote an essay about this once in my Sophomore year of college. In fact, now that I think about it, most of my first person essays are about this exact question. My favorite season of all, ever, is Autumn. I would give nearly anything I can think of for the only season on earth to be Autumn.  I don't like how cold it is, but it's usually a happy medium between too cold and too hot. And, like Jessie says, you can always put more on...you can only take off so much.  It's an all around amazing season, if you ask me. Well, technically you already did, but that's beside the point.

Autumn, to me, is a season of renewal. It's a season when all the old fades away and becomes new. Granted, it comes before Winter, when all is dead and silent, but that's not how I see it. It's about taking the first step into an unknown and uncertain grounds.  Autumn has always been my favorite season because of the colors, the scents, the joy...harvests. I don't like Halloween, I never actually did, but I love decorating for autumn. I love leaves. =) I love the crunch they make when you walk over them. I love the colors of the trees, the sound of the wind int he trees. I just love the obscure parts of life.

Oh No You Didn't

...oh no, oh no, oh no...oh no, you didn't!  Sorry...had to do that. lol

What do you feel is your most unique talent? - Scott AKA "Ferb"

I don't think this falls into unique but I'd have to say that my answer to this is my "voices".  I've been told by my pastor and several others that they love my reading voice. I'm also really good at the "valley girl", as Scott and James are sadly aware of. 

The Ghost of You and I

Another question related to Azrael's previous question...

What are your five favorite parody videos and why? - Azrael

Video number UNO!: Barelyplolitical's "Sleep On You" by Justin Beiber =D

This made me nearly choke laughing when I saw it the first time. It's actually rather boring until you get to the last few minutes. I think the greatest part of the whole video is when he says "I'll love you tonight if I'm not grounded." and the dad snaps back with "Oh, you're definitely grounded." I don't like Justin Beiber, and I never will fall into that obsession, but the video is awesome beyond words.

Reigning in at number two!: Barelypolitical's Adam Lambert parody.

"Now...Imma read a book. And give you a dirty look. Just let me read my book. GOD!" Need I say more? Lol I can't even explain this one. It just makes me laugh like you wouldn't believe. Especially the whole; "Why are you filming me?!"

Didn't see this one, number three!: TeamFourstar's "Make a Man Out of You" Dragonball Z parody

I love this one because I love Dragonball Z. Yes. I'm a girl and I love Dragonball Z. Go ahead. Geek out. Do whatever it is nerdy guys do. This one always makes me laugh because it's just hilarious.  "Hope I don't die a virgin!" "Man, you really should watch just what you sayyy!" Pretty much anything by TFS is bound to be a hit. =D

Still not last, number four!: CardGamesFTW's "Brooklyn Rage" Yugioh parody

At least it's not last. Nya nya nya nya.  By the way, that's pretty much the whole reason I made it number four. Because he says "nya" four times. =D And yes, Azrael. I know, you don't wanna be a furry.  I get it. Thanks to Azrael for introducing me to this song, the lols abound.  It's a parody of the song "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga...I like Joey Wheeler's version better, to be honest. =) (By the way, I'm not sure if LittleKuriboh and CardGamesFTW are the same person, but this is for sure one of his videos)

I really suck at this, number five!: "I Say A Little Prayer" by Jasonwhipple

You suck. Anyway, this is actually choreographed from an episode of Glee. The lipsyncing and dancing are flawless. Something tells me they were drunk, obsessed, or payed quite a bit to do this. Either way, it's hilarious as hell. I love this video and never get tired of watching it. =) Thank you, Glee obsessed people out there for giving me things to laugh at on a daily basis.

Black Rose

What is your five favorite youtube videos and why? - Azrael

Seriously? That requires going back through over 300 favorites to find my absolute favorites. And you didn't specify, can they be band videos? Can they be reuploads of TV shows? Oh, snapple. Didn't see that one coming, did you?  Why'd you have to be so effing vague? Fine. Fine, then. We'll go with this. >:D

Reigning in at number one: I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - Pomplamoose.

I have to admit that the vintage 50's style of this song is amazingly awesome.  Her voice just brings more feeling than the original. And don't get me wrong, I'm in love with Aerosmith, too, but the fact that he screams at the end of the song just kills the mood. Or is it just me? Something about that just freaks me out.  I love pretty much all of Pomplamoose's videos because her voice is so basic, yet beautiful at the same time. She brings a whole new level of amazing.  And as for the antics of her drummer, I can't even begin to explain the laughter he ensues.

 

Number Two: Pennsylvania Guys - Sloppy Secondz.

As far as parody videos go, this one is just awesome, because it's one of the first songs I ever saw that was dedicated specifically to Pennsylvania...and not just anywhere in PA, mostly the area that I live in. =) If you ever wanted to know what our area was like...now you know. Lol.  Basically this song makes me laugh because it's all about true things.  I always smile when I hear this - and it went around facebook for quite some time among the people on my page lol.

Numero Tres: M E T E O R } S H O W E R - Promoshot.

This video is just by far beautiful. The song is "Meteor Shower" by Owl City, and she combined the pairings of Roy and Riza from Full Metal Alchemist and Mina/Soul Eater from the anime "Soul Eater".  It's a New Year's submission for a contest, from what I can tell, but the effects are what make this video beautiful. The Filigree astounds me, and the music accompanying the video adds to the surreal beauty of it. =) And the last song, in the credits, is just...wow. I will never watch Slumdog Millionaire, but the song is soooo pretty.

Four!: Dude Vs. Wild: Desert - Nigahiga.

I guess this could fall into Parody videos since it's a rip off of "Man Vs. Wild", but I really don't care. lol  This video always manages to make me laugh. "My mother's father's grandson" lol.  I love how his dog always manages to make a cameo appearance in his videos. There's probably a good reason why he's the number one subscribed person on youtube. ^_~

Number five and Lastly: Phoenix Wright: Boot to the Head - CMSPyrowolf

This one was first introduced to me by Amanda, then later by her ex boyfriend Rob. It's apparently a video that went viral and became a Meme. It's hilarious. The video is set to Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, which is a video game. It's about the last will and testament of a millionaire and how the money and possessions are to be split up. After the first few seconds, it becomes predictable, but who cares, really?

Stand by Me

Describe your perfect date.

You sick sadistic son of a...fine. Just make me remember why I'm still single, thanks. Go ahead, my misery wasn't bad enough as it is! Just kidding. =D

I would have to say that it would involve a lot of hand-holding.  I would like to be picked up wherever I'm at, and taken to dinner...I don't really care where, food is food...though I will say that I'd be pretty angry if it's cheap. Unless my boyfriend doesn't make much, then I wouldn't care if it was a drive thru.  I'd probably like to be dressed up. I'm not a movie girl. I just like a reason to dress up and be fancy, because I'm a tomboy any other day.

I would love it if I had a boyfriend to take me dancing. Either in a ballroom, or in a club. I hae always wanted to go to a rave or a club. I don't know why, but it's always been this weird fantasy. I would probably wear something chic and gothic. =)

I wouldn't mind star gazing, either. I always wanted to throw out a blanket on my roof and just stare up at the stars.  There isn't any light in the backyard where I live, so it makes for optimal stargazing.  I want to just cuddle and stare at the sky. And before you bitch about how our roof can't handle that weight, I tromped around up there with Donald and Steve and it never collapsed. =D I want to sit out on a cool night and just stare at the sky until we fall asleep in each other's arms.

Running around in the rain isn't that bad, either. My first kiss with a boy was in the rain, outside the old middle school. Ever since then, I've kind of had this thing for rain.  I don't mind running around in it. It's fun. And I wouldn't mind stomping in puddles holding hands.  I'm so simple minded that way.  I don't even have to be dressed up for it to be a date; I could be muddy, covered in paint, with frizzy hair, and I'd still consider it a date.

...but at this point, I'd have to say that my dream date would be picking up a certain someone at the airport/bus stop, and spending the whole day just talking and holding hands. Walking around town, seeing where I grew up, just talking.  I would like to kiss him, I would like to hold him...but I'm not the kind of girl to move fast. The last time I did that, it ended horrifically. I want to run my hands through his hair and steal his jacket. =D I love you lol


SPOILER ALERT: I only ever went on ONE DATE in my life (I've dated 6 guys). It was my birthday when I turned 13, and I had to pay for EVERYTHING, INCLUDING his ticket! Anything's better than that!

Boys in the Summer

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?

Honestly? My top place to ever go is Ireland. I love the rolling hills and gorgeous colors in the sky. It's so clear and clean there. Of course, it depends on where exactly you go in Ireland.  I always wanted to go there because I'm a sucker for accents. =) Plus, the movie PS: I Love You totally sold me over...and Gerard Butler in the movie Time Traveler's Wife...frankly, though, I've always wanted to go there since I read the stories in my mom's collection; The Outlander Series...because omfg, it's so gorgeous how she does the detail. Diana Gabaldon, I mean. =)

I'd also love to go to Italy because I've always wanted to see where my heritage came from. And even if dad insists they were on the wrong side of the war, I don't think I'd be inclined to agree. Heritage is heritage. =)  You can't deny who you are, even if you wanted to.  Italy has always captivated me since I saw the Lizzie McGuire Movie. Because I always wanted to see Roma where they were. The fountain is top on my list. Plus, the photography of the buildings would be awesome.

Israel will probably be the first place I actually go, however. It's a bit of a more realistic goal.  I want to go there because it would help me to learn the Bible better to be able to see where everything took place.  Plus, because it's a holy land, you know it would be awesome amazing beautiful.  Even if the women have to follow specific guidelines, even for visiting. =)

Although, if you're looking for the most specifically cheap and realistic goal, I would do pretty much anything to be in Tennessee right now, and Azrael-kun knows why.  I've been dying to see him, and I'm going stir crazy up here in the north. It's so cold, and so boring, and so plain, and...I'd probably die down there with all the accents. I'd be lost in a crowd of people talking, trying to figure out which one belongs to my cowboy.  I'll get down there one day, and then I won't want to leave. Gaaaah.

Heartbreak

What is the most inspiring quote you heard, and why?

"It doesn't matter if you build castles in the sky; as long as you patiently work on putting the foundation under them" The reason I love this quote so much is because I always think of how life is about dreaming. Very rarely do you see someone start out life and say "I want to work in retail for six years until I can afford to buy an apartment, then try and find another job at a bigger company and work my way up the corporate ladder." because life is all about dreaming. You make a plan, you run towards it, you don't stop until you reach it. People lose sight of their dreams too quickly, and they forget what drove them in the first place. When someone wants to be a singer, and can't win Idol, they lose hope...but that's not what life is. You realize your dream, and you start building towards it. Take the small steps, it makes it all the more attainable.

“Your enemy is not her. Make it on your own. And what you make on your own, protect it. If you don’t do that, then you have nothing to say even if it’s taken away from you.” – Ki Hoon, Cinderella's Sister. This quote never ceases to amaze me because I found it at the weirdest time in my life. I was struggling with trying to figure out how people viewed me, and fighting with a girl I really couldn't care less about, about a situation I couldn't care less about. I made friends that were very dear to me, then this girl came along and corrupted all of them without second thought.  And I thought about this, and how close this hits to home. In the story, Ki Hoon was referring to how the younger sister kept trying to be like her older sister, trying to get her father's attention back.  He basically told her to be herself, and live her own dream, forget what her sister wants/needs.  It's not about who gets there first, it's about who has the most fun doing it.

"It doesn't matter what you believe in, as long as you believe." - Shepard Book, Firefly.  Christians are so hypocritical. We always preach about loving our neighbor, and doing what's right, but we tend to toss aside people whom are different. We don't take the time to know them, to realize that they're people, too. Just because someone is Gay, doesn't mean they aren't a human being with feelings. Just because someone is Islam, doesn't mean they're a terrorist. Just because someone is Athiest, doesn't mean they're going to hell. Just because we believe our religion is correct, and the only right one, doesn't mean we have to force it on other people. The Bible says; "Love the sinner, hate the sin"...so, why do we judge someone because of gender, sexual preference, or religion? It's not our place to judge, it's God's and God's alone.

"Faith will bring a way to the impossible." Skillet, A Little More. Every time I hear this song, I think of my brother.  Now, people always assume that when I say this, I'm talking about faith, as in religion, but that's not true. When people say "faith", it also refers to believing in something no matter what the cost. Faith is being able to close your eyes, and touch the sky...I think Martina McBride said it best. Faith is being able to believe in anything, and know that deep in your heart that it will happen. Believe in something. People need hope, they need something to look forward to. For some, it's God. For others, it's being alive another day. But for everyone, there's a different definition of faith. And this quote is talking about how no matter how bad anything gets, no matter how insurmountable the odds; if you believe you can get through...you can get through.

Hey, Lady

Today's Question...

How many songs have you heard with your name in it?

This is a short one, because I don't feel like writing right now. I was really into this, and then my mood died shortly after starting...but I will get it done by the end of the month, I promise. =)

Five...and I'll even put them in order of my favorites. I will link the songs, but you have to open them in a new window because they will open in this one if you don't. If you have firefox, you can hold the control key when you click the link. If not, right click and "open in new tab/window".

There, There, Katie - Jack's Mannequin: This song is about how the lead singer has Leukemia, and how his sister donated stem cells to save his life. I think the message behind it applies to any type of situation. Katie, Katie I know that in your condition, the sunshine's been missing. But Katie, don't believe that it isn't there...This song just speaks to me in so many ways.  It reminds me that no matter what happens, to always remain positive. Why go with bad feelings?

Maybe Katie - Barenaked Ladies: This song, from what I understand, is about a woman named Katie whom is apparently older. I'd like to say in her late 30's, possibly 40's. He speaks about how she's growing older and no one seems to give her the time of day.  When she did manage to get a boyfriend, he seemed to turn her away because she had a child. Just because her youth is fading, doesn't mean she's not worth dating. What's so maybe about...whats so maybe about...what's so maybe about Katie? I believe he's speaking about how no matter what a person is like, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't give them a chance.

Katie Wants a Fast One - Steve Wariner: The song brings me back to when I was eleven, listening to it with my mom.  I remember how psyched I was when I heard the name "Katie", and how it made me smile whenever I heard it. It's about a girl whom spends her whole life in the fast lane. Everything has to be about instant gratification or she just isn't satisfied...it's about how every song on the radio is way too slow for her, and she just wants them to play fast songs. Katie wants a fast one, you know she's gotta have one. Cuz that's what makes her motor run, Katie wants a fast one.

Bring 'Em Out - Hawk Nelson: You probably wouldn't understand this one unless you ever heard it. Though the song isn't about Katie, she is mentioned. Katie, I don't know why I even try. 'Cause lately, you're always out with other guys. Pretty baby, don't you know I'll treat you right? I'll go crazy if you pass me up tonight. Since this is a christian band, I have to say that I love this song. I believe, and I could be misunderstanding the lyric, it has been several years since I heard it, that the song is about a guy who loves a girl named Katie, and how she overlooks him constantly. So he decided that instead of trying to get her attention, he's going to just live his life.

Lastly, and you guys should have seen this one coming...

She's In Love With The Boy - Trisha Yearwood: I can't stand this song. I hate it with the burning inferno of a thousand suns (if I may borrow your expression, Azrael).  This one is about a girl named Katie who loves a guy named Tommy, whom apparently doesn't have much going for him.  Her dad throws a fit because he believes she deserves better, but Katie's got her heart set on that one boy.  And you wonder why I hate this song? My brother's name is Thomas. Incidentally, I found out that this song was written for Katie and Tommy Cruise.

Kiss the Rain

Day Seven's Question:

What's so great about the 90's?

In my eyes, I can't even begin to express the sheer awesomeness of the 90's.  For me, because I was born in 1990, it was half my life. It was where all my innocence still is. It was a decade when cartoons didn't suck, and weren't copies of each other. When the Rugrats were still babies...when the most awesome cartoon I had ever seen was SWAT Kats...when I was in love with Edd from Ed, Edd, and Eddy...when I felt like nothing could change. Back when my first celebrity crush was Paul Gross from Due South, when my grandfather was still alive, when life was innocent, and Barbies were still acceptable to bring to school. Back when I was obsessed with country music, believed life could get better, and had a dream of being in college with my best friend. Back when I only wanted to be accepted by my brother, because I thought he was the coolest person in the world. Back when all of his friends, sans 3, had asked me out at one time or another.

To me, the 90's symbolize everything I don't want to let go of. The innocence and childlike wonder I don't want to give up.  Though the 90's were one of the best decades of my life...and I can't really say "one of" because I've only lived through two, they were also full of sadness.

I got Scarlott Fever when in 1994, My grandfather died in 1996, my best friend moved away in 1997 (and I still miss you very dearly, Kyle)...I believe our dog, Sampson also died that year.  I started middle school, made friends, lost friends, got picked on and teased relentlessly...I had days where I didn't want to get up. I had a fear of school because I'd get tripped down the four flights of stairs to the basement, or shoved into a wall, or crammed in a locker in the locker rooms. I had days where I would walk out of class because I couldn't stand people anymore.  I had days where I would run home crying because I got teased that much.

The 90's also brought with it some great music. Kill me for this later, but Toby Keith had the best music in the 90's. After that, it really went downhill. We also had Spice Girls, N*Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, Britney Spears, Christina Agulara, Pink, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson...and yes, I know, I'm foolish and childish but I still believe that those songs were the greatest in my life. I'm so childish when it comes to my music. You'd probably laugh if you saw I had Trapt and Spice Girls on the CD. Let's not mention the abomination to Guns and Roses that I have N*Sync and Britney Spears on the same CD.

The 90's were about finding myself among lost dreams and hopes. They were about recognizing who you are and where your limits are.  The 90's brought some amazing talent, but also crushed dreams. I lost friends...dear friends...people whom changed my life. I lost hope and innocence. I lost drive and ambition. I gained a sense of self worth and learning where my limits are.  I learned that just because you like someone and doodle their name all over your notebook, doesn't mean they'll like you back.

Life sucks.

The 90's rocked.

=D

Sound Off

Today's Question is...

What skill would you most like to learn? - Tracey W.

If you're interested, when they have names by them, they were suggested by those people. If they don't have names, they were picked off a website that sends me a new question each day. =)

So, mom asked me what skill I'd like to learn most, and why. I love these vague questions and being indecisive because it allows me to answer more freely than usual. I have...that I can think of...three. =)

I would love to be able to learn how to read patterns so I can make my own outfits. Don't get me wrong, I love having mom do them, but there comes a time in your life where you have to learn to face the world on your own. =D I have so many dress ideas, I want to be able to make them all, but I can't read patterns. So, I'd love to be able to read patterns so I can do that. And it's not like they'd be for me. I'd make them, then donate them to Cinderella's Closet, the drive that takes gowns for girls who don't have money to buy prom dresses.

I would also like to be able to write like my brother does. His talent never ceases to amaze me. I know most of the time his work is depressing, but I've seen his stories before that stage of his life. He has amazing skill as a writer, and I never told him, but he's the reason I got into writing short stories to begin with (and I mean short, since none of them are ever finished).  He always amazed me with his ability to transport you to another land, where dinosaurs and dragons still existed. And I love the fact that his imagination never really quit.

The last thing I'd like to learn is to play the piano. I can't read sheet music, so I play by ear. I listen to a song, find the note, and number it. That's what I do. I can't read music, and when I try, it confuses the crap out of me. I've always wanted to be able to play like Jim Brickman, my idol in music. =D His music is so beautiful, I can't even put it into words...just listen for yourself =O

Secret Love
Beautiful as You

Oh, I also want to specify that the song Beautiful as You, from what I've been told, was written (or sang) for Wayne Bradey's daughter.

I Want You To

Today's question is brought to you by the letter Q!

What are the top 5 things you wish you could have and why? - Azrael

This is where I'm supposed to say "instant fame" isn't it?

My top thing...at this current moment...would be new headphones. I love my music loud, and my headphones JUST died on me. Like, literally, as I was writing this.  Makes me emo. Let me tell you, I go through headphones so quick, it would scare the makers. I should be a tester for headphones. I guess replacing them once every two months isn't so bad when you take into account they're like 10-15 a piece. Still annoying as all hell though.

Number two...I want to be able to say that I can be truly happy, without a care in the world. And the only way I ever get that is with the kids at Church. I wish to not feel useless.

You know what, James? I really don't have an answer to this. I don't want material things. I never really did. I just want things to be normal for once. I wish you were here...I was there, simply put. That's it. I don't wish for anything else.

I Quit Life.

You ever have one of those days where it's just a cosmic conspiracy against you? Like every time you dig yourself out of your own misery, you fall back in and get sucked by such force that you can't even begin to claw your way out again? No? Just me? Well, I'm having one of those days, and it's only been 2 hours and 30 minutes.

I was hungry, so I decided to make Spaghetti, because I haven't eaten in a day (my own fault, laziness, I suppose). The burner didn't work.  I stood with my hand touching it for five minutes and it wouldn't light.  So finally I moved over to the other burner that did work. I asked Aaron to look at the one that wouldn't light, and wouldn't you know it? It worked FINE for him!

I went to stir the sauce and wound up burning my hand, because we have no effing lids anywhere.  Then when I went to strain everything, the dumb strainer tipped and cascaded noodles over the side.

There were no clean dishes, so I had to wash some.  I'm not even hungry.

Then, of all things, I step on a freaking NAIL! A NAIL! And cut up my ankle.  So, I'm starting to think that today's one of those miserable days where I stay in bed all day.

Oh, and I'm not writing this from my laptop like I usually would, I'm writing from the old laptop, because my new one crashed on me.

Read Ahead for Normal Ranting
So, I went to Jessie's for two weeks and decided that while I was gone, I wasn't touching any of the dishes in the sink because they weren't mine. Besides, I had just done them last week and I'm tired of doing them.  Well, wouldn't you know it, I ask Thomas to do them and I get the "OH! You were GONE all week? Where'd they come from then?!" Argument.  I give up. I quit. I'm not starting over, I'm not giving up a life, I'm just quitting. It's going to be like Fiesta, I'm putting everything on hiatus.

I'm done.

I will be DAMNED if I do the dishes again!!!!!

And I swear, if I have to keep doing them when no one else will (yes, literally, NO ONE ELSE), then I'm demanding fifty dollars a week. Otherwise, they can wash their own dishes. I'm not doing it anymore. I told everyone I wasn't touching them, and I won't.

And if I get the "I haven't been here", "I'm moving out", or "Why should I do them, I was working all week!" I swear to God, I'm killing myself. I mean that. I'm done with this. I'm tired of being everyone's damn slave.

The World is your Stage

I went for a walk in the rain today. I haven't done that in forever.  I decided that I needed to get out of the house...staying inside is making me stir crazy.  I need to find friends (other than Jessie) to spend time with. I need to find someone (other than Aaron) to cry to.  As I was walking, I went down Birch street, just to see all the changes.  There are so many things that are different in this town...so many memories I don't want to let go of.  So many promises broken, so many lives changed.  So many things that I feel would be better off forgotten.

I remember that as a kid, my favorite three people were my neighbors, Dave and Donna, the man at the post office, Chris.  Dave would always talk to me, and we'd laugh. I was allowed to use his porch to play tag, hide and seek, whatever may be.  Dave's dad, Emil, was also very kind to me. He used to let me into the garden, which I swear was the most beautiful garden I had ever seen in my life. I used to stand at the gate and talk to him, and it always reminded me of Wilson from Home Improvement. Donna's dad, Steve, was a master craftsman. He made the quilt frame in my mom's sewing room.  Steve also had a little yorkie. I can't remember the dog's name for the life of me, but I remember it was a girl (was it Izzy?).  Steve and Emil both passed on. Donna still lives there, I believe, but Dave doesn't.

Chris was my best friend out of all the adults.  He was so childish.  Amanda and I used to sit outside the post office and talk with him while he was on his lunch break.  He'd give us candy every day, because my mom used to make cookies for the mail carriers on Christmas.  Chris used to tell Amanda and I the whole "Sticks and Stones" theory.  Too bad words hurt more than anything thrown at me. He moved to Hazleton...I haven't seen him since.

Between the two extremes was my old house.  I spent fourteen years of my life in that house. I remember laying the tile in the dining room. I remember renovating the bathroom (which had no door, incidentally). I remember the hard work my mom and I put into the gardens out back.  I look at it now and it doesn't look nearly the same.  There is no dog running around in the yard...there is no bike out front...there is no garden out back. There's just the new family that lives there.  There is no more memories for me there.

Across the street are two houses. One belonged to Brittnie,  one of my best friends growing up.  When she moved out, Renee moved in.  Next door was where the Monser's lived.  That family housed my first crush, Jake. And yes, though the family was very...obscure, I still had the biggest crush on Jake.

To the right of the houses was a store called "Nittles Hardware"...I remember I used to run in there every time I had money, just to buy things I thought were cool.  Now it's a parking lot for Marco's, which is a restaurant we used to bring fresh herbs to when I was a kid.

Going down the street a bit more is the old middle school. I can't even get started on how many memories I have there.  Mr Gravera feels good about himself...I know one, maybe two, of my readers would get that reference. =)

A little bit further than that was the library, which I'm not sure if it's still open or not. The last time I went there was in 10th grade.  I remember dancing the tango in the middle of the street with Michelle, during an epic snowstorm. I remember sitting there while it poured flakey whites onto the ground, laughing the whole time.

If you keep going, you'll cross Steve's old house. I remember sitting on his porch and doodling with sharpies, and then we had to re-paint the whole thing.  I also remember sitting on it, and my once-black jeans soon became white.

I remember all the heartache and sorrow accompanied to this town. I remember all the good and fun times. I remember playing manhunt with Pat, Tom, Aaron, and Steve...I remember how we used to hide up on the church steps. I remember how we used to play tag that spanned two blocks. I remember people before they were drug addicts.  I remember when buildings still existed. I remember when it was still okay to bring Barbies to school.

That's what makes this town so special to me.

Someone asked me why I came back here, even though I had the chance to live in California.

I came back because this is who I am. But the problem with living here is that I let myself get washed into the water and warn away by the sands of time.  I let myself get caught up in the moment, and I forget who I am.  I talk about what it used to be like, who I used to know, where the time has gone.  But that's the problem. Life goes on.  It continues to do that until there is no more time in the hour glass.  Life keeps on moving, and I stand still.  I don't want to let go of all the happiness I had. I don't want to move on and forget.

But you have to.  Because living isn't about staying in the past. It's about moving on and making your own memories. Life will constantly have memories, ones you'll want to remember and ones you'll forget as soon as they happen. Cest La Vie! Carpe Diem! Life is going to continue to move, and if you don't move with it, you get left behind.

Guess I should start catching up, huh?

Like It's Her Birthday

Started a new tactic for writing these. Blog titles will be the song I'm currently listening to as I write this.

Today's Question is...

What is your favorite memory and why?

Like everything else I've posted so far, I can't just one or two. It's a long list. I would have to say that my favorite memory is a bit harder to explain. I have several, and a lot of them are from my younger years. After 14, I started to get really depressed and forget who I was, thus, most of my memories are before that time.

When I was four I had to go and get some shots, my dad was on the road at the time.  He wouldn't make the appointment on time. Mom told him I left my rabbit at home and was in hysterics. Well, dad picked up a random rabbit at the gas station and came to meet me at the doctor's office. He told me if I didn't cry, I would get the bunny. I cried...but I still got the bunny. I've had it ever since, and for some time, it was one of the many things I carried with me on a daily basis. When I was little, there were three things I was always seen with, my rabbit, my pillow, and my baby blanket. Of the three, I still have the rabbit.

The rabbit has had five names over the years. Bugs, Hopper, Thumper, Bunnie, and Bunbun. Of all of them, Bunbun was the only one that stuck...the reason behind that was because it was the name my grandfather gave it.

When I was sixteen I remember I was in a really bad place. I was dating an abusive boyfriend, both physically and mentally. I remember I had stopped going to church and I got more and more depressed by the day.  Eventually, over Christmas break, I tried to commit suicide.  We, as in Darren, dad and I, were on our way to WV to visit my mom at her friend's house. She was talking to my dad, and I was upstairs sleeping.  Thomas and Darren went outside, and Tom said" We should throw her in Camp Adams for a while, see how long she survives", and Darren followed it up with" I wouldn't do that, she might try to kill herself", to which Thomas said "No, she's not that stupid"...so Darren said "Go look at her arms"...

This started, literally, and all out war in our family. The next thing I remember was getting yelled at for how stupid I was.

The thing I remember the most about that night, however, was when my mom came in and said "You better go apologize to your brother. He's hysterical, thinking he's going to lose his baby sister."

Until then, I never thought he cared.

When I was nineteen I met this really cool guy online. We started talking, and eventually it went from there. We were calling each other, and mailing each other things. Well, I always assumed I was that kind of girl that people didn't like.  And one night, out of nowhere he says to me "Are you going to be okay, my angel?" And I thought about this and said; "I'm no angel"...to which he replied with "You're mine."...I've seen him differently ever since.

And yes. I still love you. =D

...What Can I Say?

Today marks the anniversary of the whole reason I joined this site.  Today, had we still been dating, would be my third year anniversary with Ducky.  Today, had we still been together, we'd probably have killed each other...only because we didn't get along.  And, as Renee put it, Cancer/Gemini may seem like a nice pair, but they don't last long because Gemini is very fake (thank you, auto correct for not recognizing the word I wanted to use).  Although we had a great time together, Ducky wasn't my ideal partner.  Sure, we were friends and he knew everything about me. He knew what happened to me in high school and watched me fall into depression.  He was, for all intents and purposes, the one who pulled me from the wreckage, then shoved me back into it.

As I've said, he was my best friend. Well, when we broke up, he promised that we'd always stay friends. In fact, we dated for a week in November, back in 2007.  At the time I had a jealous ex boyfriend, and he (Ducky) told me to go back to him and do what needed to be done, he would still be waiting for me.  Well, He told me the same when we broke up this time, that we could stay friends, but we'd never be lovers again because we only ever hurt each other.

Just a note to said girlfriend: this is my side of the story, so stop telling my friends lies.

In May, he found a new girlfriend.  Well, apparently the whole "lets stay friends" thing went to hell in hyperspace. I had started dating again in March, and my boyfriend at the time and I were pretty close. His girlfriend added me on Facebook.  Jessie was sitting with me when this happened, and we thought it was okay.  Well, thirty seconds after she added me, her status changed to "stop trying to steal my boyfriend!" or something to that effect.  To this, I replied in my status "I love my boyfriend, Azrael".  It escalated from there.  She continued to say things like that in her status. Well, eventually I called her on it.  She claimed that she was saying it to someone else, and to stop assuming all her statuses were about me (the same could be said to her; mine are nearly always song statuses).

She deleted me, and it was silent for some time.  Then, two days later, she added me again. This time, solely for the purpose of commenting on a blog I had written to her boyfriend back in July.  Yes, I said I still loved him, but that's because at the time I did still have some feelings for him. It's natural, since both of us had left on bad terms.  Well, she deleted her comment before I could read it, then deleted me shortly after.

So I decided after she deleted me to clear things up with Ducky. I went to his house after church that Sunday, and asked if I could have my necklace back, because he still had it. Incidentally, he has a lot of my stuff that I wouldn't be surprised if he burned...at least I got the rabbit back.  Any who, I explained my side of the story to him, and went on my merry little way when he told me he'd have my stuff back at my house someday. Two hours later, Jessie got a call that put her into hysterics.

I didn't hear what he said, I just heard Jessie's side of the story; He said if you show up at his house again, he's going to press charges, because you upset him by going there.

Well, if he had returned my phone calls, I wouldn't have had to go there. And if his attack dog (being the appropriate term here) had left me alone from the start, I wouldn't have needed to tell him in person.

Well, by now, Aaron was really angry, so he went on IM to try and talk to Ducky.  And we all knew it wasn't him, because he misspells his words. Whomever was talking for him, however, was still dumber than a brick.  Anyway, they kept saying this all started because of some blog I posted on Myspace? Well, I hate to tell you, angelcakes, but you didn't talk to your girlfriend like you said you did, because the "blog" in question was on Facebook and it wasn't posted after I added her the date says July 07, 2010. Learn to read. And no, she may have told you it said bad about her, but it didn't. It basically wished you the best in this world, and that you found happiness in all you did. If you had read it, you would have known that.

Well, Ducky said he wanted to talk to Aaron and Jessie, and that he'd be there to talk to them tomorrow.

He walked right passed me.

After watching my best friend yelling at him, and him flailing his arms every which way, I went out to talk to his brother, then decided that this wasn't going to end this way.  I wasn't going to end this with me being the enemy.  I went outside, right in the middle of their conversation. Jessie told me to leave him alone, but I said "no, I'm ending this once and for all".

I knew he wasn't listening, because all he fed me was "okay", "uh huh", "fine".  I handled the situation surprisingly well. I was prepared to go out there and yell and scream, and throw punches, but that's not what happened. I sat down and just...vented...everything. How I felt, how it hurt, and everything.

"We need to talk."
"I was waiting to talk to you in person."
"If that was the case, you wouldn't have walked right passed me when you came in here today."
"I was going to talk to you after Jessie left."
"So you could threaten I did something to the police?"
"No, to talk to you alone."
"Listen. You told me you would press charges if I showed up at your house? It goes both ways. If she adds me again - and she added me both times, I have five witnesses - I will press charges for harassment. Me showing up at your house can't warrant an arrest because you have to tell me I'm not allowed on the premises. Otherwise, it means nothing. Also, her dad being a Correctional Officer, and her uncle being a police officer, have absolutely NO water here. None of them have any authority or jurisdiction on the matter. How do I know? You're playing with a girl who's in college for computer forensics. I know the laws better than you know electricity.  Now, the next time you have a problem with me you get your balls back from your girlfriend and face me, not Jessie. Your girlfriend started this, so I'm going to end it. Be a man and deal with me like an adult."

A few minutes after that, I left...he called me downstairs, so I went and asked him what. He said "I just can't talk to you anymore. It's not fair."

I said "I hope she's worth losing a five year friendship." And walked away in tears.

I thought it would have ended there, but it didn't. It continued. The cyber harassment kept coming.  A few days later I got an add request from someone by the name of "Johnny John"...this was the tenth time she'd requested me in a week. I called her on it. She emailed me and said "why do you keep adding and deleting me?"...first, I had only done that once. Then I started in on her about how her name was a fake name and this that and everything else. Well, she told me that the "Johnny John" was her boyfriend's name, and apparently people do that all the time...use their boyfriend's name, but her name was really BARB.

We talked for a while. I mentioned ten different things in one paragraph, but she seemed ot home in on my recent fight with this girl.  She asked me what her last name was. And I replied with "you don't know me, you don't know them". We continued on for a while, and she hit me with this...taken straight from the message: So you still love him? What okay what is his name? So you think him an his new snobby girlfriend will get a house together and get married?

To which I replied with: No, I don't still love him. I wish him the best out there, because that's what Christians do. They let go and hope for the best. I don't care what he does with his girlfriend, that's between him and her. All that matters to me is what happens between me and my boyfriend. I'm through with the childish drama, and every time it comes up in conversation, it makes it harder for my relationship to move forward because I'm always held back by something my ex did or said. Life isn't about the past. It's about the future.


Now...all this being said and taken into account, LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT HIM!

Third Day

Day Three's Question...

What song describes your personality/why?

I actually have...about three, maybe four.  Because my personality changes so often, I can't say just one.  And trying to sum it all up into one song is probably going to be a long time. Like, I wouldn't be able to update at all for a while.  Lol.  So, I'll just sum it up in the four I can think of.

Solid Ground - Merit Larsen: This song is probably the best one to describe my personality, and likely would be the one I chose if I had to choose just one. Basically the song talks about being strong, no matter what life throws at you. "Keep your head above it all, sure you can fall, but not now..." ...there's also the lines; "They will fight and struggle, blur and trouble your sense of solid ground", meaning that no matter how many times you feel you've found where you belong, someone will try to take that from you.  The song reminds me that no matter where life goes, or what happens, there's nothing wrong with being who you are. Even if you feel shy and insecure. It also talks about how even the strongest people fall "be the strongest at goodbyes"...not everyone is perfect, and no one can be strong forever. It reminds you not to forget who you are...and that's something I need to remember a lot.

 And let me tell you they will,

Always pull you down.

Before you know it they will take, 

Your smile and push you around.

They will fight and struggle, 

To blur and trouble,

Your sense of solid ground.

How the Lost get Found - Britt Nicole: "Now you say that it ain't worth staying...you wanna run but you're hesitating. I'm talking to me." This song always makes me think of how lost I get sometimes, trying to keep up with the world, and the people around me. I don't have to be like everyone else, I don't even have to try...but I feel a need to try and be like the rest of the people around me. I'm so afraid of change that the chances of me doing something to be different than I am now, would probably be catastrophic.  You can't help but feel like you're worth something, to someone or otherwise, if you listen to the words. And since I like to help people, this is my anthem. =)

Don't let your lights go down,

Don't let your fire burn out,

Somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe.

Why don't you rise up now?

Don't be afraid to stand out...

That's how the lost get found.

Stand - Rascal Flatts: This song is just beyond amazing. The words to describe it are nothing compared to the lyrics themselves. Click on the link and listen to the song if you've never heard it before. Anyway, the song reminds me of myself because it talks about how people feel useless, and how they get depressed and don't want to go on.  But it also talks about, as Sean put it, being a wave in the ocean.  Even those small things we feel are insignificant could be just enough to save a life. I've been told (by my mom) that this song reminds her of me because even though I get depressed and sad, and feel like I can't go on, I always manage a smile, and I always manage to get up and walk on.

Cause when push comes to shove,

You taste what you're made of.

You might bend till you break,

Cause it's all you can take.

On your knees, you look up,

Decide you've had enough.

You get mad, you get strong,

Wipe your hands, shake it off,

Then you stand.

Stand Up - Trapt: Like everyone else, I have an angry side to my personality. Besides the song Headstrong, this sums up my anger pretty well. I'm not one to just hit people...in fact, I've never hit a person in my life, but there are just some people who make me want to haul off and deck them.  I can't stand how people talk tough, then hide behind their keyboard. It's not that hard to face me like the little girls you are. In fact, I won't even hit back - you can run home and say "OMG I HIT HER!" and I wouldn't even care. I'm not going to come out and face you, I've already said how I feel about you.  So it's time for you to stand up and stop hiding...and to any of my stalkers (both of the A's, incidentally) come find me. I'll be waiting..and by the way, hiding behind your keyboard doesn't make you tough, it makes you even more of a coward. That also goes along the lines of creating a fake profile to harass my family and friends. Seriously? =D 

Stand up.

I have had enough.

Walk away,

Before I finish what you started.

Face to face,

I will put you in your place.

End this game,

Before I finish what you started.

Face to face,

Everything has changed.