There are very few people in this world that constantly cross my mind. I worry, I wring, I cry, I feel sorry, I upset them, I talk, I wait, I listen, I speak, I listen some more. These people are always on my mind, for one reason or another. One person is very heavy on my mind, and he really shouldn't be, especially when I know how dangerous that can be. Thinking about someone on a constant basis isn't healthy, but moreover I wonder; does he think of me as often as I think of him? I know the answer to that is no...and I know that will likely never change.
I tell people he's my boyfriend, but is he really? I doubt he feels the same, if he did, he wouldn't have broken up with me. I tell people I love him, but do I? I know I do. People ask me how I can love someone so much, especially never having met them...I've never met Jesus face to face, and I love him. What makes this different? Familial love and companionship are different things, I'm told, but people turn to God when they're lonely, too. I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could say, with great certainty, that I knew what was going to happen.
Of all the people in the world, I just wish he could understand. Mom told me she hates when he puts me in tears, especially when it's over something stupid. What she doesn't understand is that most of the time it's me worrying over nothing. I don't always cry because he made me upset, sometimes it's just because I worry myself that much over nothing. Like when he doesn't answer me back for three days. And those are the moments I need to learn that he has a job. He has a life. I'm not his world...and he shouldn't be mine.
People often say not to be second best. I refuse to be second best. To anyone. I will, if possible, strive to be better than my former adversary so I'm not second best. I'd like to believe I'm not a terrible person. I just wish people could see through my eyes. I'm not the typical girl. I have so many conflicting emotions at any given time that I rarely say what I mean to say. As I've told James; my head and my mouth are on their own schedule, I don't ever say what I'm thinking. Meaning, my head tells me to shut up, and I speak anyway. And that leads to problems. Constantly.
I'm naive. I'm strange. Weird. Eccentric. Nervous. Scared. Hurting. Crazy. Creative. Upside-Down. Fearful. Faithful. Childish. Obnoxious. Klutzy. Afraid. Down. Depressing. Needy. Lonely. Full of song. Lyrical. Poetic. Insightful. Falling on my own feet. Stumbling on my own words. I'm a typical girl...but I don't see myself that way. I feel like my problems are amplified, and I don't know where to start to fix them. And, of all the five people who constantly cross my mind...I want him to understand this the most.
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